Why must this be so hard?

I take a sip of the bitter, black coffee in front of me as I stare at the apple. If the apple had a brain, it would probably be thinking the same thing. I've been staring at it, trying to decide whether or not to eat it, for exactly six minutes. I've counted. I sigh as I realize it really is the "Forbidden Fruit." Then again, Anorexia forbids all food. Fruit or not.

There are only 76 little calories in that apple, I try reasoning with Ana. 76. I could work those off in no time.

I sigh again and stretch my arms above my head. I can feel my skin tauten across my ribs. I run my fingers along my perfectly sculpted bones and wish there was some other way to make my stomach stop growling.

So, you want to ruin everything you've worked for? Her voice booms in my head. I've awakened the beast.

No. Of course I don't. I just don't want to be in constant agony anymore.

Hunger is a feeling, thin is a skill. She quotes.

There's still only 76 calories... she cuts me off.

Yes yes yes, 76 calories blah blah blah. So that means you'd have to work off 152 calories to cancel them out, am I correct?

Yes, but-

And if you didn't, you'd be stuck with those calories for life. You'd probably gain 10 pounds by eating that apple. There is no reasoning with her.

Unless...

How about this...if I've lost more than a pound since yesterday, I can eat the apple if I promise not to eat anything else today. If I haven't, I'll go run. There is silence while she considers.

Go for it. She breathes.

I'm up in an instant and running for the bathroom. I yank the scale out from its resting place under the footstool. I step on, wait a moment as the jury reaches its verdict, then look down.

TWO pounds! I cry. I've lost two pounds since yesterday! I skip back out to the kitchen and reach for the apple that's been so patient in waiting for me. My bony, white fingers come within centimeters of it before I yank them back as though its blood-red skin had burned me.

Ok, so...by not eating anything yesterday I lost two pounds. So if I don't eat anything today, I could lose two MORE pounds.

In theory. She yawns. I grab the apple and place it back in the basket with the other fruit.

Tomorrow I'll eat the apple.

I knew you'd make the right choice.